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DISCLAIMER: This is yet another long, rambly post from me. If anyone who knows me in real life is reading this, I am most likely not talking about you. But if the shoe fits, well…..
I have a terrible social habit. Whenever I’m around people I am not familiar with, be it a stranger or an acquaintance, I always tend to “act out”. I become loud, hyper and talkative around them, hoping that the atmosphere would become less awkward for both parties, and also perhaps hoping that by putting myself “out there” and making myself “seem like an open book” and “more vulnerable”, they’d be less afraid and open up themselves up to me as well.
Since young, I have often been bullied and treated like an outcast for being too shy and quiet during class participations. I was also never the outstanding student with terrific sports genes, talents nor results, which made me an even easier target for bullying and/or being overlooked. Heck, a doctor once advised my mother to bring me to check ups on whether I was suffering from any learning or social disability! Whenever I was lucky enough to make a couple of friends here and there, I would often become too eager to please and take their comments way too seriously and often tries to fulfill and give into whatever request they may have of me. My family members soon found out about my social life and cautioned me about the friends I make, as they find my friends to be too demanding. As I was still rather dependent on my family, I was influenced by their opinions and began to see my friends in a different light. In short, these friendships did not last very long.
As I was growing up, I noticed that the peers around me who participated actively in class activities and the talkative ones often get the attention and generally get around with others easily. While I do not crave for attention, I do like the idea of having friends. Once I have graduated from my primary(or elementary for some of you) school, I decided I should do a 180 degree change on myself once I entered secondary school. I was determined to make friends and to come out of my own shell.
This is when I developed that strange habit I had mentioned earlier in my first paragraph. I started to give my own opinions in class, I started to crack jokes, Came up with silly antics and approach anyone and everyone. I participated in my ECA actively and even became the president for 2 years as the teacher in charge took notice of me. This habit proved to work as I began to make friends. I was happy to be able to make friends and even assumed this “persona” which I thought it had so cleverly hid my own insecurities and vulnerability from others. However, I soon realised this habit of mine has backfired when I began to hear nasty gossips about me from various schoolmates, even from the people who I thought were my friends. They began to think there was something legitimately wrong with me and made fun of my behavior. They began to expect more crazy antics from me so that they could laugh at me. Some of my friends started to despise my behavior and isolated themselves from me. Some of my friends pointed my every single flaw they can find with each and every chance they get, wanting me to “tone down my behavior” in the form of defense that they are trying to “protect me” and not want me to become “a laughing stock for others”, when in reality they were simply trying to protect their own ego and not want to be laughed at for being friends with someone so “crazy and weird” like me.
Afraid of becoming the loner like I was in primary school, I listened to them. I stopped being loud and hyperactive. Gradually, people soon started to leave me alone, the gossips have lessened as well. However, my self esteem has sunken to a new form of low. I no longer trust the people who I thought I was once close to or was on good terms with. I distanced myself from them. After months of self reflection and soul searching, I have realised there are so many “friends” of mine who I can’t really connect with. I realised some of them are even toxic for me. I began to block contacts on my phone, as well as on my social network platforms, not wanting to even keep in touch with them. Months after graduating from my secondary school, I am relieved to be away from them(minus a few dear friends that stuck with me through thick and thin though these 4 secondary school years, you guys rock by the way), I do not want to face any of them nor do I miss them. Through this experience, I have become someone who is overly sensitive to every single detail, someone who is unsure of who is a friend or foe, and someone who is extremely extremely vulnerable.
As immature and pathetic this may sound, I need to constantly have people in my life. I learn this the hard way after my phone has been confiscated by the school for more than a week now as I can no longer/hardly whatsapp the people I usually whatsapp, call the people I usually call etc. I’m not going to lie; at first, it was great - to have some “me-time” and do some self reflection. But then, shit starts to feel amiss and loneliness kicks in. I feel like I am completely detached from my friends, and that we’re drifting apart, and this sort of things scare me the most - friends drifting apart because of unspoken reasons and mis-interactions. I miss my phone for I miss the people that I talk to in my phone.
I like feeling exhausted to be quite honest. That strong desire to just retreat back to bed and get some quality rest be it for 3 hours, 4 hours, 5 hours or more. I love being kept occupied, and just solely focusing on that particular task assigned to me. I love it when I can concentrate on something be it work, hanging out with people or talking and that I’ll be drained physically yet mentally satisfied. Being exhausted keeps my mind off stupid shit and bad memories as I look forward to a new day, rather than sitting my ass down and worry over something that had already happened, is currently happening or may/may not happen in the future. I hate the feeling of not knowing what or how to invest my (excess) energy into anything, because my mind will eventually wonder into the lane of dark memories and depressing thoughts, leaving me feeling so damn blue and down. This is why I hate Sundays and lonely weekends, because I feel like an unproductive, depressed individual when I know I can achieve so much more.
One thing for sure, the movie is beautiful. But what really gets me and shatters my heart into pieces are the tearful scenes littered throughout the film.
The (tearful)scenes are just so damn heart wrenching, but I manage to narrow it down to 3 of my favorite bitter moments in the film:
1)Wendy almost in tears as she departs for NYC,
2)Neil breaking down in the shower,
3)Brian crying into Neil’s arms.
These 3 scenes just seem to stand out the most to me for they seem so emotionally raw and real. Be it the bittersweet moment of leaving your loved ones behind for a new life, being raped and ravaged by a stranger whereby one is both physically and mentally hurt, or just being overwhelmed by the truth that is best left unknown, these moments just seem to echo what is going on around the world and possibly even our daily lives at one point or another.
I am captivated by the stellar performance of the film, as it seems to work its magic into drawing the audience into the moments. The cast is brilliant in each of their given role, and the crew is amazing in whatever they do. The film is relatable, heart wrenching, yet heart warming at some points too. It is one of the films that make me appreciate theatre & film so much more.
Ever made a passive aggressive statement about anyone in particular on a social media site and then have people coming up to you, asking you if you’re referring to them?
If the answer is “No” or “I have never do such a thing,” you’re either:
3)You’re a good person and we need more people like you in the world
If the answer is “Yes”, do you feel:
1)This weird dreaded feeling, as if you just did something horrible?
2)Conflicted for you don’t know what to tell the person you made the statement for straight in his/her face?
3)Bewildered and wonder why people will think of themselves this way when they clearly do not fit the bill, and wonder why they care about what others think of them?
How would you tell the people and the particular person you had in mind while making the statement?
1)Reassure the particular person that you are not referring to him/her when you clearly are referring to him/her?
If so, you’re a horrible person and you should stop lying to the poor fella. He/she obviously cared about how you feel about him/her, indicating that he/she is willing to change for the better. Say it to his/her face. If he/she is unable to accept the truth? That’s too bad, it’s not your loss, it’s his/hers.
2)Reassure the rest that it’s not about them?
It’s tiresome, isn’t it? To constantly reassure a group of wonderful people whom somehow can’t seem to relax, have fun and not care about what others think of them, even going to a point of self degrading. I guess that’s when the guilt of making that statement kicks in(for me, at least), because you had realised the impact words have on people, and you can’t take it back. You feel the sense of guilt and anxiety of trying to explain and redeem yourself to a group of people that you’re not referring to them, and hope that they won’t be too bothered by what you’ve just said.
I guess I’m typing all these is because such incidents have occurred in my everyday life, and frequently on social media.
Ultimately, what I’m trying to convey through this wall of text is that people need to chill the fuck out and stop bringing up personal lives onto the virtual world. Making passive aggressive statements about someone on the internet is tasteless and cowardly. Sort your out with that person that offended you.
Stop thinking that people are constantly talking about you, because 99.9% of the time, they aren’t - especially when have not even done anything wrong to anybody. If they say “It’s not you”, guess what? It’s not you. Stop tripping.
If you happen to “fit the bill”, maybe it’s time to do some self reflection and change for the better. Throwing a shit fit only goes to show how immature you are, and further proving to the world that you’re a shitty person.
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